Basic sex ed - contraception

During sex ed in school, there was a weird juxtaposition between the 'sex is for reproduction', and the 'if you're going to have sex, always wear a condom'. But why would we want to use that, if we're trying to get pregnant?

At no point was it ever mentioned that sex is meant to be pleasurable. Or that people have sex because it feels good - they're not always trying to make a baby. And y'know what? That would have been pretty useful to know!

You're told to wear a condom, but none of the other birth controls methods were ever mentioned to me. Here are some of the other birth-control methods available:

Injection (needed every 8-12 weeks)
Implant (a small piece of plastic under the skin in your arm - lasts up to 3 years)
IUS (up to 5 years)
IUD (up to 5 years)
Patch (like a nicotine patch, a new one is put on every week)
Vaginal ring (changed every month)
Diaphragm (used every time you have sex)
Cap (used every time you have sex)
Female condom (used every time you have sex)
Male condom (used every time you have sex)
Combined pill (taken every day for 3 weeks out of 4)
Progestogen only pill (taken every day)

Oh, and if you have had unprotected sex, or your birth control method failed or wasn't used correctly, you can still stop yourself from becoming pregnant! The 'morning after pill' as it's commonly called, actually works for up to 72 hours. You can also have a coil fitted up to about a week after sex took place, which still works to prevent pregnancy!

Remember that only condoms protect against infections though, the others just prevent pregnancy.

The hymen

So, the hymen. The source of so much misunderstanding! People say it's a membrane that covers your whole vaginal opening, and needs to be 'popped', or 'broken' by something in order for you to have sex. This is not true! There is no such membrane.

Your hymen is a stretchy piece of tissue left over from when you developing in the womb, and it does not cover the whole of your vagina. In the rare cases that it does this needs to be fixed with surgery so that your periods can happen, because think about it - if hymens needed to be 'popped' for sex to happen, where the hell was the blood coming from?

The hymen is located a centimetre or two inside the vagina, and is made up of thin folds of mucous membrane. It is slightly pinkish or white depending on thickness, and is elastic and stretchy. Your hymen stays with you your whole life. There is no need for it to be broken, and it shouldn't hurt when you have sex. The hymen may need stretching a little before the first time you have penetrative sex, as it can cover up part of the vaginal canal. Take a look at these images of different hymen (also known as vaginal coronas):

Some people's hymens cover more than others, some are more stretchy, some are thinner and some are thicker, but none of them need to be broken (except rarely, by a doctor).

Before the first time you engage in penetrative sex, it's a good idea to start gently stretching your hymen, with fingers, toys, or whatever feels good to you. Doing this for a few weeks before you plan to have sex can help to loosen and stretch the hymen out until it's able to accommodate a penis, strap-on, or whatever object you intend to use.

You'll want to use lots of lube, and go very slowly the first time, so that you don't accidentally tear the hymen. The pain that people talk about is often because they've gone too fast or haven't taken enough care. Yes, you may be incredibly turned on and can't wait to get down to it, but seriously, 

If you don't have sex in a long time, your hymen can move back to its original position, and you'll need to take your time, use lots of lube and go slowly again in order to stretch it.

If you're still mystified by the hymen, take a look at this video by Laci Green - it's completely safe for work/school, don't worry!

Basic Sex Ed - the reproduction bit

What was covered in Sex-ed? For most people, the biology of reproduction, the 'penis goes in the vagina' mechanics (nothing outside of heterosexual sex was mentioned obviously, and a very narrow view of sex was used), pictures of diseased-looking genitalia, and the fact that you must always wear a condom to stop from getting pregnant or passing on diseases. Possibly with practicing putting it onto a banana.

Because obviously you'll need to do that a lot in your adult life...


Right, let's address these in order:

The biology of reproduction
Ok, once the science of what happens to the sperm and egg has been taken care of, all that was mentioned to me was that the penis went inside the vagina. That was it.

I've heard people say that they thought the man just put it in, waited a few minutes, and then said 'There, the sperm are in. Done!'

So: yes, the penis goes inside the vagina if you're trying to reproduce, but you don't just decide you want a baby and stick it in there. People generally want and need foreplay first. This can be anything from kissing and stroking, talking about sexy things, scratching, biting, spanking, and generally playing with each others' erogenous zones to get the blood to the area and to put their mind in the mood for sex. The foreplay brings the blood to the surface, making the skin more sensitive to touch. When women are turned on, the vagina lubricates itself, making it easier for the penis to enter, though many people still need lubrication to make it more comfortable. The penis becomes erect, as does the clitoris.

Then you come to the actual penis-in-vagina bit. Once it's inside, it's moved in and out, backwards and forwards in there - either by the guy moving, or the woman, or both. This feels really good for both of them! They keep doing this in whatever position(s) works for them, until the man ejaculates. Despite all the drawings of sperm as little black tadpoles, ejaculate (cum) is white. Not black...

Look after yourself

Sometimes you'll want to be on your own. Sometimes things will just get too much. Sometimes you'll be tired. Sometimes you just won't feel like doing things. And that's okay!

When you feel like this, don't ignore it - listen to your body! If you keep going and going and ignoring all the little hints your body and brain gives you, at some point you'll burn out. Or if you don't, you may feel exhausted, or overwhelmed. When you start feeling like that, it's okay to tell people that you don't feel like doing something.

Take some time to just sit and be with your thoughts. Read a book, have a bath, do some painting - whatever it is that you enjoy that makes you feel good. Or just have a nap! There is no shame in having a nap in the middle of the day. If you feel tired, then it's what your body needs - listen to it!

In Western culture we tend to ignore the element of self-care - things like meditation, self-massage, yoga etc are often overlooked as unnecessary, when they can be extremely helpful.

If you take some time out when your body tells you it needs some, you'll be recharged to do things you want to later on. Look after your body and brain, and it will look after you. It's okay to want time for yourself.

Body Positivity

"The human body is beautiful and amazing in all of its forms and states." - http://diversexity.tumblr.com/

"People are amazingly diverse and within that diversity is more beauty than any ideal could possibly bring." - http://sexxxisbeautiful.tumblr.com/

They've said it concisely and succinctly already.


If you like to fix your hair and wear make-up, or prefer your natural look;
If you feel good when you shave, or are proud of every hair,
If you like to show a lot of skin, or feel better fully covered,
If you have some squishy parts, or enjoy a bit of muscle,

That's ok. That's you, and whatever you want to do with your own body is great!

What do I mean by the term Sex Positive?

Sex is a healthy, normal activity which many people enjoy. There is no shame in enjoying sex, or not being interested in it.

Having lots of sex, no sex, kinky sex wearing banana costumes and speaking in Klingon, or missionary sex with the lights out are all valid forms of sexual expression.

Whatever people choose to do with consenting partners is okay and should not be judged by others.

Sex Positivity embraces diversity, differing desires and relationship structures and individual choices.

To coin a phrase from the BDSM community, Your Kink Is Okay.

About this blog

There are so many things I've learnt in later life, which I've thought 'why wasn't that covered in school?' or 'why did no one ever tell me that?'

Well fellow humans, worry no longer, for I will tell you them all! I intend to write about all the things I wish someone had told me when I was younger -  teachers, parents, the media, and all the people and things which help to shape our world views and things we think we know.

Mainly these issues are to do with sex, communication, relationships, and a few other random life skills thrown in. Enjoy, and be perplexed by the world no longer!

Who am I?

Hi, I'm Electra.

I'm a 24yr-old cis woman from the UK. If you want some boxes to categorize me in, I'll give you some broad ones, but people are ever-changing, fluctuating creatures, and in general I prefer just to say I'm me.

I'm pansexual, kinky, polyamorous, and a feminist. I'm sex-positive, body-positive, and fully supportive of equality for everyone. I believe that all humans are equal and should be treated so, no matter their race, gender, wealth, status, orientation, lifestyles, etc.

That's about enough to be getting on with I think!